Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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