im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
