I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
