You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
