Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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