how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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