Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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