We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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