Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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