hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
