do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
