I accidentally had phone sex last night
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Everything about him screamed your future.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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