My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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