that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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