Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's not a walk of shame if you run
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
