I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
