i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
