How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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