Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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