I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
