Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
