I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
