I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
