You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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