I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
