I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
