Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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