so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
