I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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