i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
