Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
