Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
