I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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