You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
