i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
