if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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