i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
