you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dick very happy bro
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
