I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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