if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
