I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
