mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
