you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
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His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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