I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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