i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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