I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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