I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
