hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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