Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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