I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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