Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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