i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
