here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
