Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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