my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's always time for handjobs
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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