she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize