I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
